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  • Writer's pictureKD Webster

From Hell's Heart

There are things in this world. Things that you may not know how they got here. You don’t question where they come from. You just accept that somehow, they have become integral threads in the fabric of life.

Things like the fire and the wheel.

Then there are those abnormal abominable aberrations. You don’t know how they got here, where they came from, or how they became ingratiated into society proper.

Who felt it was a good idea to make Weekend Mall Shopping a thing?

I mean, I hate shopping to begin with. Wait. Hate probably isn’t a strong enough word. Abhor? Despise? From hell’s heart I stab at thee? We’ll go with abhor.

People who have been following me on Twitter for any amount of time know of my weight loss and fitness journey. The long and short is I went from wearing size XXL to hovering between L and M. I might even get cocky enough to try squeezing into a Smedium. So, when I first started losing sizes, I would go shopping for new clothes. Now, those new threads would fit perfect for all of two months (if that), then get all loose and droopy. So off to the store again, find another outfit, good for another month or two. Wash, rinse, repeat. Some odd hundred dollars later and that’s when it hit me - just purchase a few athletic leisure wear. Athleisure, if you will.

Now, throughout this fitness journey I’ve been going to one particular store for my clothing needs. Convenient location, down the street from my place, helpful associates, rewards points.

(Yeah, I’m all about them there points.)

Well, as Fate and the Furies would have it, my store was out of stock this past Saturday for the items I wanted. So, off I go in 102-degree weather, my Honda's A/C barely keeping up, on my way to the Colorado Mills Mall, for my last set of athleisure wear before I hit my target weight goal.

I mean, yeah, I’ve been to malls before. High end, outlet, strip. But for some reason, today, I dunno, blame it on the heat, but today just hit differently. Like, as if the thermometer reaching triple digits melted the glaze from my eyes. Made me see things.

Yeah, I saw things.

Things that would give nightmares to monsters.

Okay, granted, I’m an introvert, and maybe borderline antisocial. Like, on the line borderline, but still…

I think I have officially become too old for this life. The things I saw on those mall floors. The attire I personally wouldn't have the courage to leave the house in. The words I heard being said to the department associates. It's truly a brave new world out here. There’s no way I could get away with the antics of the shoppers I observed. Like, if I even had the courage, #KD would trend on Twitter for the wrong reasons.

"Breaking: This just in. At the Colorado Mills Mall, a Black middle-aged man went into the men's fitting room and came out dressed like Rambo. He just started doing roundhouse kicks on random strangers while yelling, 'For Frodo'."

Almost two hours and four department stores later, I found the workout outfit I’ve been hunting. Dry wicking top and matching compression pants with the side pocket on the thigh. Perfect for holding my outdated Samsung S9. Of course, soon I will need to shop for another Samsung phone. But that’s a whole entire other story.

Hungry, thirsty, and finally cooling off, I got my packages and made my way back to the outer mall doors. I just looked. Even though I couldn't see it, I knew the moment the doors slid open I would be walking out into the midst of a solar flare. I mean, I don't cuss in my everyday life, but if I did...

By Odin's missing eye and the Seven Sacred Realms, the person who invented Weekend Mall Shopping should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. So yeah, I abhor clothes shopping. Shoe shopping, too. But that’s a whole entire other story. Bottom line is this...Weekend Mall Shopping's a young man's game. I can't play anymore. Gotta cash out.

And Mother Nature…102 degrees? Like, did she pass through Colorado, decide to stop by the nearest dispensary, and leave the heat on?

Puff, puff, pass, Mother Nature. Puff, puff, pass.

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